Skeptics Wed so Easy

Skeptics, as many of you may know, I am getting married this fall. As any major event in life is bound to be, marriage is tied up in a Gordian knot of superstition, religion, and marketing. Saving the topics of religion and marketing for later, today I’m going to mention a few (a lot) of strange superstitions I’ve run across on the internet, heard in person, or heard from Randi. Comments by me are in italics.

The couple should hang all the gift’s bows in a bunch over the front door for a year. It brings good luck. 

If it rains on your wedding day, you’ll shed many tears during your married life. Because the weather is a bitch who will ruin your life.

The bride should wear pearls on her wedding day to ensure she would not cry. You should see how many of these things there are to make sure you buy diamonds! 

If the bride’s dress is torn on her wedding day, the marriage will end in death. So if you’re really serious about this “till death do us part” business, you know what to do. 

When a newly married couple enters their home, the groom should carry the bride over the threshold, because if the bride should stumble entering the home, it is a bad omen. Ladies; never marry a clumsy man. Also, you can avoid the risk of bad omens by simply not doing it, I would think.

Saying your vows when the hour hand on the clock is going upwards means you will work together in your married life. Saying I Do when the hour hand is down is bad luck. It’s like micro-astrology. Or else clocks have a vendetta against us half the day.

If a bride is kissed by a chimney sweep on her wedding day she will have good luck, wealth and happiness. I bet chimney sweeps started that rumour. “And guess what ye need ta do ta have yeeself a good young’un, misses?!”

Seeing a pig run across the road on the way to the church is considered to be very bad news for the wedding party and could foretell a canceled wedding or a terrible marriage. Goddamn pigs! What is jehovahs deal with pigs? 

For a long time, bridesmaids wore dresses much like the bride’s gown, while ushers dressed in clothing that was similar to the groom’s attire. This tradition began for protection against evil rather than for uniformity; if evil spirits attempted to harm the newlyweds, they would be confused as to which two people were the bride and groom.  Because evil spirits are dumb as fuck. 

If candles are lit on your wedding day and they go out it means an evil spirit is near by! Or, possibly, that you have a draft.

Throwing rice at the new couple “feeds” the evil spirits and distracts them; thus, keeping the new marriage safe. You know what else bothers those pesky evil spirits? 

Tying cans to the back of the newlywed’s car is good luck because the noise will frighten away evil spirits. Evil spirits are so easy to foil, I’m amazed we have any problems at all with evil in the world.

Chinese superstition says that carrying an open red umbrella over the bride will protect her from evil spirits. And by “evil spirits” we mean “rain.”

In the Italian culture, the groom has to carry a piece of iron in his pocket to keep the evil eye (mal’ochino) away from he and his bride. The iron is suppose to reflect the evil spirits and banish them. Oh, iron – is there anything you can’t do?

A week before the wedding, have a house-cat eat out of your left shoe for good luck. Bad news: it also means you’re gross.

 And there are a whole lot more of these out there. If you’ve got any ridiculous ones you just have to share with the world (or our approximately 20 readers) then please, submit your commentary!

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