So recently, Brad and I mentioned how one might make a small fortune selling small electronic devices of dubious quality and claiming they were somehow good for you. Since it’s illegal to sell sex toys in Jackson (but neck massagers are okay), we’ll have to settle for energy healing quackery.
Of course, people have been doing this for ages, and the most hilarious one I’ve seen yet is Quantum Balancing. This beats the “Rods of Ra” (and is, in fact, where I found the Rods of Ra) by a few giant statue hands.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents got you one of those “electronics experiment kits” (well, if you were a geeky kid like me, you got this and a chemistry set). They usually run you anywhere from 50 to a hundred bucks, depending on the quality.
And they looked almost exactly like this didn’t they?
Ah, yes, the GB-4000 (that does not, I’m told, stand for Gravity Bong) only $1,710 dollars! WITH FREE SHIPPING!
So what does this magic quantum-balancing health device do? Well, according to the website, it ”Features an advanced channel sweep function , Convenient, portable size . . . only 2 pounds, Easily program your own frequencies (2000 custom channels available, each storing up to 48 frequencies). Custom channels can be programmed manually or with your computer using the included software and computer cable, Runs up to 8 frequencies simultaneously with a 90% duty cycle – combining the power of Analog harmonics with the precision of Digital tuning!, and With the wide frequency range (0.25 Hertz to 20 MHz [20 Million Hertz])”
Now, I’m not too sure what all that exactly means, not being an electrical engineer. I mainly used my electrical experiment kit to make the burglar alarm, annoying sounds, and shock my younger brother. So I did a few minutes of work on t3h google (oh the things I do for my readers) and found out.
Basically, it’s one of these, a simple device that you can get for a lot less from any reputable electronics dealer. It generates radio frequencies so that you can diagnose and repair radios. Or, if you’re a quack, human beings.
But the folks at Quantum balancing can go one step farther than this. They were already operating in full-woo territory, but hold on to your hats and get ready, skeptics. Prepare yourselves for the newest item in the catalog – the advanced bio-photon analyzer. (Note: The biophotonanalyzer site won’t let you right-click and save things from the site itself. The people over at Quantum Balancing aren’t so careful.)
A check of Memory Alpha revealed that this is not, in fact, a clever Star Trek reference.
But let’s go into some of the more hilarious claims. To cut and paste fragments from the site I had to go in and look at the code directly, but, again, sometimes it’s worth it.
Get ready for the vaguest claims this side of an Intelligent Design conference: Broadcast intent, energy, healing frequencies and remedies to any Polaroid 600 photograph placed in the Photograph Well or in the Solution Well – for all of you with sick photos.
Support the detoxifying of your body at a safe and gentle rate – very much a true claim, in that your body probably doesn’t need detoxifying, and this thing doesn’t actually do anything.
Neutralize stressful energetic residue that may be contaminating foods – just stick all your food in the “solution well” and you won’t have to worry about all that negative psychic vibration from the slaughterhouse!
And what kind of person might need this on the job? An essential tool for Feng Shui practitioners and professionals who want to produce astounding results for their clients. Of course! How could you think to charge an outrageous fee for rearranging the furniture, if you didn’t wave around a ghostbusters-esque device and check the “biophotonic array?”
Let’s not forget that it will allow you to Customize the energetic match of a homeopathic remedy and Create your own isopathic restorative structure in just 40 seconds.
Hey, it allows you to make homeopathic remedies! So it can turn ordinary water into…. ordinary water! Amazing!
Not only is it a miracle product, but saving your life is easy! It’s easy to use! press two switches to start. Most important features are totally automatic.
I urge you to read the site. It contains a wealth of pseudoscience. One thing they mention is the “SE-5” (sorry, WWI airplane buffs, not the Scout Experimental 5, the plane that, with the Sopwith Camel, gave the British Air Superiority in the summer of 1917).
What is it? I used the google. And I wound up here. Prepare your speakers (turn them down). The video is great.
Now, in the end, we can all say that these things aren’t doing anything. They’re not going to hurt you, either. But if you use them when you should have gone to see a doctor, well, we’ll see you here..