Mentally Disturbed Harlequin Clique

One of the things I’ve enjoyed most about getting older is that the music keeps getting better. I don’t mean, of course, that all music is constantly improving. We could argue about golden ages of this genre and that all day long and bore ourselves to tears, but for me, what I hear keeps getting better.

This is, of course, part of finding more music, and having it more available to me through the various wonders of technomancy that are an everyday part of my life.

A much larger part of that is not having to listen to the radio, or travel in the car with people who insist on listening to the Insane Clown Posse.

If you’re one of those lucky people out there who does not know of the Insane Clown Posse, or the ICP as their fans – the juggalos – call themselves, then you are a fortunate soul. The short rundown is thusly: Grown men dress as clowns with greasepaint and rap about violence, have a dim view of women, and homosexuals. If your first thought was “hey sounds like religious fundamentalists,” give yourself a cookie. The ICP has come out of the god-closet as being all about the Jesus.

You have two choices, if you’ve never heard of these guys: You can look these jokers up on the internet, or remain blissfully unaware that such a thing has existed. (Assuming that you want to continue and haven’t already navigated away).

I recommend that you learn as little as possible about the ICP, because then you’ll come across this next bit in a state of virginal splendor, unprepared, with the scenario unfolding like a newborn fawn in the meadow.

Right before someone runs it over with a bush-hog of stupid.

In this video (I urge you to watch it in full) you’ll find out that the ICP doesn’t trust scientists, doesn’t understand fucking magnets and also has a really low bar for what they consider a miracle. Hint: “Fog” is on the list.

On Skepchick, Rebecca Watson gleefully corrects the two, explaining a few things they thought were miracles.

Some people decry this sort of thing as the proof that science education is in shambles. Well, the Juggalos aren’t exactly known for brilliance, for one thing – and secondly, these are celebrities who dress as clowns.

I think (hope) that this is actually just a massive poe/gotcha after which ICP will explain “ah we made our fans look like fools and got people to pay attention to science!”

If this actually happens, I call dibs on it.

And in what I actually would call a miracle, Saturday Night Live was funny! They had a dead-on parody of the song, so spot-on that it’s a little hard to tell the difference.

In the tone of Rebecca’s post, I resume the learning experience between Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, as Shaggy explains hot lava, snow, and rain.

However, if you really want to be amused, here’s the ICP Science Textbook courtesy of Cracked dot com.

Violent J: “So how is that lava is hot, Shaggy? It comes out of the motherfucking ground right? And the ground is cold, what?”

Shaggy 2 Dope: “J, man, that shit is a miracle the same way that bozo is the original fucking juffalo.”

Violent J: “What’s a Juffalo, Shaggy? I forget all the juggaloco clown speak sometimes.”

Shaggy 2 Dope: “J, a juffalo is someone who pretends to be down with the clown. But isn’t. Like hot lava isn’t a miracle. You see that shit is all up tight under ground, J. Like, towards the center of the motherfuckin’ earth. So it’s Under Pressure. Like in that song.”

Violent J: “Don’t you shout no lying ass David Bowie! He’s a scientists! I seen him in that movie! It was a documentary! And he was with all those gays who were champions…”

Shaggy 2 Dope: “Right, yo? But it makes rocks hot and they melt like when ice is hot it turns to water.”

Violent J: You mean – rocks are just frozen lava?

*Violent J looks stunned for a moment. His grease-paint is dripping* Is this like when my grease-paint drips down my goatee?

Shaggy 2 Dope: Kinda.

Violent J: *Panicked* Does this mean I got hot lava on my face!?

Shaggy 2 Dope: No. It ain’t even a thang, J.

Violent J: Well whatabout rain? And snow, motherfucker? How come they come from the same place, then, Shaggy? That ain’t no science, that’s gotta be magic!

Shaggy: Well remember how when you put water in the freezer it turns to ice cubes for our faygo cola?

J: Yeah. That box is fucking magic all the way up in that bitch. It turns water into ice, them fucking magnets stick to it.

Shaggy: That’s cuz it’s cold.

J: You didn’t say nothin’ bout magnets being cold!

Shaggy: No, the magnets are because it’s metal. The ice is just cold water, just like rocks are frozen lava, just like snow is frozen rain.

J: So magic happens because things get cold?

Shaggy: I’m out.

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