Tag Archives: the onion

Intelligent Falling and Holy Electrons

Intelligent design. It’s a nice phrase that seems like it should be talking about architecture or computer programming. But it’s creationism reduced to picking up gap-scraps from biology and saying “aha! Therefore, god did it!

And, of course, just being wrong. You can’t underestimate how often they do that in intelligent design.

If only someone had crafted a humorous metaphor, extended it, and turned it into a satirical news piece, then, why THEN I would be set.

Oh. Right. The Onion Did It.

My favorite bits: “According to the… paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God’s Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone…”

“”Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein’s general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world,” said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. “They’ve been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don’t know how.”

“Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work,” Carson said. “What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that ‘gravity waves’ and ‘gravitons’ are just secular words for ‘God can do whatever He wants.'”

And, for the close:

“”Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the ‘electromagnetic force,’ the ‘weak nuclear force,’ the ‘strong nuclear force,’ and so-called ‘force of gravity,'” Burdett said. “And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus.”

If Kansas keeps it up, we’ll be aswim in Jesus physics for milennia to come.

But “it can’t possibly be that way in real life!” You protest – obviously you’ve never read anything by an intelligent design author.

This may not be intelligent design, but I found it unimaginably hilarious. Thanks PZ.


The Onion, Again

The media wants to know:  Who do YOU trust?

The media wants to know: Who do YOU trust?

If Only This Were True

Thanks once again, The Onion.

Read it. Hilarious. If there was a religion where you were encouraged to believe in anything you made up, I’d go for it.

Praise batman!